Directionally challenged

I am not, nor have I ever been, good with directions. It's almost embarrassing to admit when I learned what highways actually led me to places like Ames, Des Moines and Iowa City and which direction I was going to get there.
North, South, East, West really mean nothing to me. Canada, Mexico, D.C. and California, right? That really doesn't help when I'm trying to figure out which direction Ankeny is from Bondurant or that one roadway turns into another name automatically without warning. Did you know Highway 330 turns into Highway 65 with just a simple sign acknowledging the transition? There should be neon lights alerting a girl to this.
As far as I'm concerned MapQuest doesn't help me on this directional issue, either.
While driving direction sites like MapQuest are very beneficial for the average driver to get places, they do little for the directionally challenged morons. Really there should be landmark directions along with the standard instructions.
It shouldn't just say turn right on NE Second Street/NE 78th Street continue for 7.2 miles until NE 78th Street turns into Oralabor Road. That really doesn't work for me.
Primarily because I thought I knew where this turn would be. I thought it was a quaint, curvy little road in front of Casey's General Store -- wrong -- 74th Street. So I guessed it would be at the next major road on my right, after some factory-looking building -- wrong again -- 62nd Street. Two U-turns later I figured out the road must be before the Casey's -- way before.
The directions should have gone a little something like this:
Turn right on NE Second Street/NE 78th Street. This will be right before the bar in the white building called The Wooden Nickel. You will proceed down a two lane road, through Bondurant. You will remain on this road for quite some time. (A distance in miles means about as much to me as telling me to go north.)Don't be thrown by the stop signs and random railroad tracks in the middle of this cornfield/new construction development setting, you will eventually end up in Ankeny.
Now these are directions I can understand. If only MapQuest consulted me first.

I blame the Girl Scouts

Everyone has their “fat” days.
Days our pants fit a little tighter, our shirts feel a little more snug or our spring jacket doesn’t seem to have as much give as the previous season. OK, maybe women have more fat feeling days than men, but we all know what I’m talking about.
Perhaps the overindulgence of Valentine’s Day candy or the cases of Girl Scout cookies I’ve eaten lately has also contributed to these issues, but calling it a series of fat days is so much better than saying you’ve actually gained weight.
Overindulgence of high calorie foods is the easy part. It’s what makes Americans, Americans. How many other countries in the world have an overabundance of food, can sport shows such as “The Biggest Loser” and still have issues with anorexia and bulimia? Self-inflicted starvation in third world countries is really moot and there’s not a show featuring 500-plus pound contestants wanting to be svelte scheduled for their television line up in the near future.
Darn our consumer ways and those sadistic Girl Scouts.
Because Americans seem to have so many fat days in general it has inspired English celebrity chef Jamie Oliver to tackle the problem. Oliver, who has a new series “Food Revolution,” wowed American viewers when kindergarten children in Huntington, W.V. couldn’t identify a tomato from a potato and thought an eggplant was a pear.
Yes Americans have issues with food.
Yes we like it a little too much.
Yes a majority of people in this country eat more processed foods than fresh ones.
We get it.
Who wouldn’t like French fries over a baked potato any day? But at least I know that fries are derived from the root veggie. I’m guessing I wouldn’t have known that little fact in kindergarten, however. I can also describe to you, in detail, the loveliness of a Girl Scout Samoa cookie.
I’m not sure I would have known an eggplant either, but I’m banking on the fact I could have picked out a red tomato verses a brown potato at age 5. Perhaps Oliver is on to something here.
A healthy diet is all about balance and that’s a hard concept for Americans as a whole to understand especially when a box of macaroni and cheese is cheaper for families on a tight budget than a head of broccoli. Things are out of whack – yes. But financially can Americans afford to make the switch and can our health afford not to?
I’ll think about this the next time I watch “The Biggest Loser” weigh in while munching on Samoas. Maybe I should be on Oliver’s next show. I wonder if he’s ever heard of a little group called the Girl Scouts?

The kitty problem

If something can go wrong it will.
I know that's a very pessimistic attitude and those who think with such negativity will rarely go far in life, but sometimes it just really applies to a situation.
Right now this situation applies to something huge -- bigger that huge -- ginormous. OK, I could be exaggerating a little. It applies to my cat. However, this is no ordinary cat. She is the money pit of cats. If something can go wrong with her, it will, and it will cost. Big.
A brief kitty history: This feral cat was born along side my mom and dad's garage. We domesticated the mother cat and her litter and through the course of nature only one kitten survived -- we named her Cali. Being an outdoor cat in a semi-country area proved to be a problem. She returned from a night of prowling with wounds on each side of her buttocks -- a sign she had gotten in a fight with something. A shaving of the tushy, surgery, stitches, pain medicine and several 100 dollars later she was back to her old self.
This then lead to realizing she couldn't eat human food or "wild" prey of any kind because she has a sensitive stomach and digestive system. Should she have either of these or the fat-filled store bought cat food, she will develop bladder crystals and a bladder infection. Try giving a cat antibiotics -- I just dare you.
So with her fancy $30 a month prescription bag of food I thought she was set. Until she came home with a broken leg. This lead to another surgery, several months of getting fresh splints put on every week, along with about $600 more. Here her outdoor privileges were taken away.
Most recently this tamed indoor kitty began shredding a living room chair, out of the blue. This I could live with. After all, it was just one chair. Then she took aim at my grandfather's chair, circa 1975, that my parents had reupholstered for me.
This meant war.
But of course with even the most simple surgery, like a front declawing, something would go wrong. The surgery went fine however the glue the vet used to adhere the skin together the menace cat picked at -- thus introducing bacteria into the fresh wound. This led to a visit back to the vet and the purchase of an Elizabethan collar and antibiotics, not to mention more money.
Super.
If I were smart, I probably should have given up on this beast long ago, but obviously I'm the sucker here.

Time for a change

*Editor's Note: This was to be my final column but due to unforeseen circumstances wasn't able to be printed.

I could talk about the insanity that is the Taylor's Maid Rite. I could say how absurd the whole idea of shutting them down is. How the institution must be saved and how as a life-long resident who averages eating 12 local Maid Rites a year I’ve never gotten sick from their ridiculously good sandwiches.
I could talk about the asinine idea of turning Linn and Church streets from one-ways in to two-ways. I could launch into what a silly idea it was to turn Main and State streets into two-ways, how the streets still don’t seem wide enough, especially to have opposite side parking and how it took drivers in our fair city quite a few months to get used to such a concept.
I could talk about stress educators nationwide are under in order to have “performing” schools and the options facing our local middle school. I could say how teachers in today’s society have to do much more than just teach and the added governmental paper work only adds to their already overwhelming load.
I could talk about all of those things. But I won’t.
This could be the hardest column I’ve ever had to write – because it’s my last.
The times, they are hard. Companies are still shutting their doors leaving employees without a job. Unemployment rates are high and when today’s motto is, “At least I’ve got a job,” you know things are scary economically.
To put off closing all together many companies are making cutbacks in order to stay afloat. Cutbacks like paying me to write this column.
Now, we’re not talking champagne and caviar money here. We’re talking enough to buy two of my favorite venti, non-fat, vanilla lattes at Starbucks. Maybe. I might have to dig in my own pocket to cover the tax. But the nominal fee was never my motivation for writing. However, that said, I’m not sure working for free in this economic climate is the smartest idea either. Because of this my thoughts and “insights” for lack of a better word, won’t be running on this page after today.
I have covered so many topics in my years at the paper it’s hard to sum up everything I’ve done. It’s hard to leave you with some overall piece of wisdom when in reality, all of us, everyday, are just trying to get by.
How do can I sum up five years? I can’t do it. For once I’m out of words. I can only say it has been an honor to be a part of your lives, and to let you be a part of mine.
However I am taking my thoughts and scraggly insights to the virtual streets, if you will – making lemons out of lemonade – or something like that. You can now catch me on columnistaprilthorn.blogspot.com if you’re still interested in what I’m thinking. And if not, like I said, it’s been an honor.
Goodnight, Marshalltown.

A new home

Readers,

I am so excited to begin this new endeavor! I plan to continue posting columns for you to read on Saturdays along with a couple blog topics throughout the week. While this forum won't be exactly like seeing my former column in print in the local newspaper I hope you will continue to follow it. Please let your friends, family and coworkers who were interested in my column know about this site.

It's time to get serious ... or perhaps make fun of those who are a bit too serious. Either way, I hope you will continue to join me at this venue!

April